How to Ask for Things: Why You Are Not Asking Enough

Bohns calls it the “underestimation of compliance” effect. Across studies involving over 14,000 request interactions, she found that people consistently predict they will need to ask far more people than they actually do to get a yes. If you think you need to ask 10 people, you probably need to ask 6.

The reason for the gap is not low self-esteem. It is a failure of perspective-taking. When you imagine asking someone for something, you focus on how awkward and imposing your request feels. What you do not consider is how awkward and uncomfortable it feels for the other person to say no. Bohns found that people underestimate the social cost of refusing a request. Saying no to someone's face is hard. Most people would rather help than deal with the discomfort of declining.

How far does this go? In one study by Sommers and Bohns, researchers asked strangers to hand over their unlocked phones. Requesters predicted 27% would comply. The actual compliance rate was 92%. People will give you their phone before they will deal with the discomfort of saying no to your face.

The deck is stacked in your favor every time you ask. But only if you actually ask.

Most people assume the barrier to asking is fear of rejection. It is a factor. But research suggests the bigger barriers are less obvious.

1. Overestimating the Burden

You think your request is a bigger imposition than it is. You assume people are too busy, too important, or too annoyed to help. Bohns' research shows this is systematically wrong. People want to help more than you think.

2. Not Realizing It Is an Option

Many people do not ask because it does not occur to them that they can. The raise is not offered so they assume it is not available. The mentor does not reach out so they assume mentorship is not possible. The default is passivity, and it takes active effort to override it.

3. Wanting to Be Self-Sufficient

There is a cultural narrative that says asking for help is weakness. The data says the opposite. Adam Grant at Wharton has shown that givers, people who ask for and offer help freely, are disproportionately represented at the top of success distributions in every industry he studied.

4. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

You worry that asking will make the other person think less of you. The research suggests the opposite: the Ben Franklin effect. People who do you a favor end up liking you more, not less. Asking someone for something can actually strengthen the relationship.

1. The Direct Ask

State what you want. Clearly. Without hedging, apologizing, or burying it in qualifiers. “I would like a raise” is better than “I was wondering if maybe at some point we could possibly discuss compensation.” Directness signals confidence and makes it easier for the other person to respond.

2. The Why Ask

Ellen Langer's famous 1978 Xerox study found that adding a reason to a request increased compliance from 60% to 94%. The reason did not even need to be good. “Can I use the copier because I need to make copies?” worked almost as well as a real reason. The word “because” is a compliance trigger. Use it.

3. The Easy Ask

Reduce the friction. Instead of “Can you help me with my resume?” try “Can you spend 5 minutes looking at the first section of my resume?” The smaller and more specific the ask, the easier it is to say yes. You can always expand later.

4. The Anchor Ask (Door-in-the-Face)

Ask for more than you want first, then scale to your real ask. Robert Cialdini tested this in a 1975 study: when researchers asked students to chaperone a zoo trip directly, 17% said yes. But when they first asked for a 2-year mentoring commitment (which everyone declined) and then followed with the zoo trip request, 50% agreed. The perceived concession triggers reciprocity. Your real ask feels reasonable by comparison.

5. The Second Ask

When someone says no, ask a follow-up. Jia Jiang learned this on Day 1 of his rejection experiment: the initial no is often reflexive. “Is there a different version of this you could do?” or “What would need to change for this to be a yes?” turns a closed door into a conversation.

6. The Different Person Ask

One person's no is another person's yes. If a request is rejected, ask someone else. The mistake is treating one person's response as the universal answer. It is not. It is one data point.

7. The In-Person Ask

Bohns found that in-person requests are 34 times more effective than email requests. Thirty-four times. The convenience of email comes at a massive cost to compliance. If the ask matters, make it face-to-face. If you cannot, a phone call is still better than text.

The first ask is the hardest. Not because the stakes are high but because you have no evidence that asking works. After 5 asks, you have data. After 20, you have a pattern. After 100, you have a practice.

This is exactly what rejection therapy is designed for. It is not about getting rejected. It is about making asks. The rejections are a byproduct. The asks are the point. Every ask either gets you something you wanted or teaches you something about asking.

The people who ask the most get the most. Not because they are more talented, more charming, or more deserving. Because they are in the game. The people who never ask are not losing. They are not playing.

Before your next ask, run through this:

• Am I being specific? Vague asks get vague responses. “Can you help me?” is worse than “Can you introduce me to your contact at that company?”
• Am I including a reason? Add “because” and a reason. Even a simple one.
• Am I making it easy to say yes? Small, concrete asks get more yeses than big, vague ones.
• Am I asking the right person? Target people who can actually give you what you want.
• Am I asking in person if possible? 34x more effective. That number is not a typo.
• Do I have a follow-up if they say no? The second ask is where most yeses live.

Most people have no idea how many asks they make in a week. Track it. You will probably find the number is embarrassingly low. The fix is not a mindset shift. It is a daily practice of making one ask you would normally skip. Log it. Track the outcome. Watch the pattern change.